Stupidest Table Manners And How To Resist Them
- 1. Multiple Forks
Oppressive rule: You sit down at a fancy restaurant and are immediately faced with a vast array of forks.
Resistance solution: Side-step the utensils. God gave you hands for a reason.
- 2. Eating Soup With A Spoon
Oppressive rule: Despite the fact that soup is a liquid, we’re forced to ladle in out in painfully small increments, always with the threat of spillage.
Resistance solution: Use a straw if it’s thin broth; lift the bowl and DRINK DIRECTLY FROM THE BOWL if it’s anything hearty.
- 3. No Elbows On The Table
Oppressive rule: We’re meant to forgo comfort so as not to make people uncomfortable by showing off our toned, strong elbows.
Resistance solution: Put your elbows where you please. If anyone gives you crap for it, use your elbow again — to their face.
- 4. Napkins In The Lap
Oppressive rule: So napkins are meant to protect us from spilt foods, like, uh, soup. But we tuck them into our laps, while tucking them into our collars, where they might actually do some good, is somehow frowned upon. I blame Big Laundry — this has corporate conspiracy written all over it.
Resistance solution: Bib it up, baby. The napkin is there to serve you, not vice versa. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself clean.
- 5. Being Quiet
Oppressive rule: It’s actually natural to make noise when we eat, but oh no, not in this country, mister. SHUT YOUR FOOD UP!
Resistance solution: Make extra amounts of noise! Make people cower at the sound of your eating!! Yell with the pure joy of eating the way you want to eat!!!
- 6. No Playing With Your Food
Oppressive rule: So okay, maybe playing with your food isn’t always the best idea. But a little playing? Come on. Food is fun, let us enjoy it.
Resistance solution: How on earth are we supposed sit down to a meal equipped with shiny tools perfectly designed for manipulating one’s food and NOT use them? You see a spoon — I see a slingshot. You see a knife — I see a sculpting tool. Think outside the plate people, and get creative.
- 7. No Burping
Oppressive rule: In some countries, burping is a sign you’ve enjoyed your meal. What do those countries know that we don’t? Are they freer there than we are?
Resistance solution: In many Eastern cultures it is considered polite to burp at the table. No more will the Western world be sentenced to a silent gasless meal. Make your approval known — you like it? Belch it.
- 8. No Talking With Your Mouth Full
Oppressive rule: So you’re eating, and you’ve got something to say? What’s the big deal here? You’re supposed to make a world leader sit and wait and watch you while you chew?
Resistance solution: Who says your mouth is meant to be confined to a single activity at one time. We live in a fast-paced world of multi-tasking — You have something to say? Don’t keep us waiting. No one wants to miss an opportunity because of of a stickybun.
- 9. Sitting To Eat
Oppressive rule: You know it’s not natural for the human body to sit, right? We just weren’t designed for it. Moreover, sitting interferes with digestion. So why is it that every single restaurant you will ever go to demands that you sit to eat? With the rare exception of hot dog stands and street meat vendors in our larger cities, standing and eating, laying down and eating — or, dear god, walking and eating — are strictly verboten. Why must we hate what is natural?
Resistance solution: You exercise because you eat, you eat because you exercise. We have created a vicious cycle with our overwhelming dependence on seated dining. The solution? Get off your buns and eat on the go!
- 10. No Hands
Oppressive rule: This is possibly the most ridiculous rule of all. Our hands, with their opposable thumbs and incredible dexterity, are a true wonder. And yet we’d rather use crude tools to get at our food. Maybe the “no hands” rule made more sense before modern hygiene, but come on: Let our hands be free to eat!
Resistance solution: We are the only species that has devised unnecessary tools for consuming food that we could just as easily grab and eat. Let’s take a cue from our simian counterparts and use those opposable thumbs for noshing, it’s only natural!
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