43 Superpowers Every British Person Really Needs

1. The ability to turn invisible when you spot an acquaintance in the supermarket.

2. The ability to always find a seat on the train.

3. The ability to make the kettle boil just by looking at it.

4. The ability to always know which day to put the bins out.

5. The ability to get yourself a full English breakfast while hungover and without ever leaving your bed.

6. The ability to spread butter without ripping a massive hole in the bread.

7. The ability to always arrive at the bus stop at the exact time the bus pulls up.

8. The ability to know exactly how long to dunk each type of biscuit for.

9. The ability to always detect sarcasm.

10. The ability to know which way someone walking towards you in the street is going to dodge so that you can go the other way and not get stuck doing that weird dance thing and saying “oop”.

11. The ability to leave a non-awkward voicemail.

12. The ability to instantly get to the front of any queue.

13. The ability to predict a sunny weekend weeks in advance so there’s enough time to plan a barbecue.

14. The ability to remember everyone’s name at a party.

15. The ability to always know when you’re going to need an umbrella.

16. The ability to ask an important favour without ending it by saying “it’s fine if not”.

17. The ability to ask for the haircut you actually want.

18. The ability to then say something other than “it’s great!” when they’ve fucked it up.

19. The ability to have your life constantly narrated by David Attenborough.

20. The ability to get cash out of an ATM without feeling the need to thank it.

21. The ability to always know which pint is cheapest so you never have to take a punt and end up paying £4.50 for a Beck’s.

22. The ability to tell the waiter when they’ve got your order wrong.

23. The ability to sound sincere.

24. The ability to enjoy small talk.

25. The ability to create a forcefield around the seat next to you on the bus.

26. The ability to make the perfect cup of tea.

27. The ability to make the person you’re doing rounds with drink at the exact same speed as you do.

28. The ability to make the trains run on time.

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