26 True Facts About Guys With Ponytails

We are gathered here today to talk about a group of people we all know, see, and stare at. I'm of course talking about guys with long-ass ponytails.

1.
Guys with ponytails are some of the most misunderstood members of our planetary population.

Lauren Duncan
@LaurenDuncan11

Dear balding guy with a ponytail, you just took mullet to a whole new level. #peaceluv&ponytails

02:37 PM – 05 Mar 2013
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Lauren Duncan@LaurenDuncan11Follow

Dear balding guy with a ponytail, you just took mullet to a whole new level. #peaceluv&ponytails

9:37 AM – 05 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

2.
On a societal scale, you'll find them somewhere between white guys with dreads and neck beards.

Michelle Wolf
@michelleisawolf

What can you say about a guy with a ponytail that his ponytail already isn't saying about him

04:39 PM – 09 Jun 2014
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Michelle Wolf@michelleisawolfFollow

What can you say about a guy with a ponytail that his ponytail already isn’t saying about him

12:39 PM – 09 Jun 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

3.
Guys with ponytails have some defining characteristics. For example, most own exotic birds…

Michael
@Home_Halfway

I met a guy with a ponytail who doesn't own any exotic birds and now my whole understanding of the world has just gone to shit.

05:32 PM – 04 Nov 2013
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Michael@Home_HalfwayFollow

I met a guy with a ponytail who doesn’t own any exotic birds and now my whole understanding of the world has just gone to shit.

12:32 PM – 04 Nov 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

4.
…some type of large spider…

Haley Gray
@imHaleyGray

It's Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Wed Oct 29 07:17:28 UTC+0000 2014
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Haley Gray@imHaleyGrayFollow

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

3:17 AM – 29 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

5.
…ferret…

Ahm Dead!
@Ahm76

Surely, there must be some research available showing the correlation between being a skinny dude with a ponytail and owning a ferret.

Fri Apr 22 21:06:43 UTC+0000 2011
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Ahm Dead!@Ahm76Follow

Surely, there must be some research available showing the correlation between being a skinny dude with a ponytail and owning a ferret.

5:06 PM – 22 Apr 11ReplyRetweetFavorite

6.
…or a pet iguana.

Randy Magnum
@GrantLanza

A guy with a ponytail is a national sign for "I have a pet iguana."

Wed Feb 12 16:06:58 UTC+0000 2014
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Randy Magnum@GrantLanzaFollow

A guy with a ponytail is a national sign for “I have a pet iguana.”

11:06 AM – 12 Feb 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

7.
Their most common places of employment is the stereo department at Best Buy…

cyfy
@Daqueougex

I just want to be a bisexual guy with a ponytail who works at Best Buy and knows everything about home stereos

07:53 PM – 02 Aug 2014
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cyfy@DaqueougexFollow

I just want to be a bisexual guy with a ponytail who works at Best Buy and knows everything about home stereos

3:53 PM – 02 Aug 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

8.
…in a wedding band…

Justin Shanes
@justinshanes

"Come sit next to some strangers and listen to Black Eyed Peas hits sung by a guy with a ponytail. Then cut us a check for $125." – weddings

Fri Aug 24 22:14:02 UTC+0000 2012
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Justin Shanes@justinshanesFollow

“Come sit next to some strangers and listen to Black Eyed Peas hits sung by a guy with a ponytail. Then cut us a check for $125.” – weddings

6:14 PM – 24 Aug 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

9.
…or on an organic farm.

Rich
@DeLorean4sale

If you're a white dude with a ponytail and you're not in a metal band or work on an organic farm what the hell are you doing?

Sun Mar 23 18:50:39 UTC+0000 2014
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Rich@DeLorean4saleFollow

If you’re a white dude with a ponytail and you’re not in a metal band or work on an organic farm what the hell are you doing?

2:50 PM – 23 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

10.
You'll probably also find them doing a bit of karate in front of a mirror.

ferg
@hobo_hands

Nothing says "I practice karate in the mirror" like a guy with a ponytail and Zumba pants.

08:45 PM – 11 Jan 2014
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ferg@hobo_handsFollow

Nothing says “I practice karate in the mirror” like a guy with a ponytail and Zumba pants.

3:45 PM – 11 Jan 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

11.
Most know magic…

brother berg
@bergified

Every dude with a ponytail knows at least one really killer magic trick.

12:51 AM – 30 Jun 2013
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brother berg@bergifiedFollow

Every dude with a ponytail knows at least one really killer magic trick.

8:51 PM – 29 Jun 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

12.
…have a lot to say…

Andrew Hibbard
@andrewhibbard

No one's got more opinions than a guy with a ponytail.

Sun Oct 19 23:21:24 UTC+0000 2014
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Andrew Hibbard@andrewhibbardFollow

No one’s got more opinions than a guy with a ponytail.

7:21 PM – 19 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

13.
…wear “ironic” shirts…

Alex Naidus
@hotdoorknobs

Guy with a ponytail and a huge smile gives me a nod as he walks past. The back of his shirt: "Seitan Worshipper." #LA

Sat Sep 27 17:55:43 UTC+0000 2014
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Alex Naidus@hotdoorknobsFollow

Guy with a ponytail and a huge smile gives me a nod as he walks past. The back of his shirt: “Seitan Worshipper.” #LA

1:55 PM – 27 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

14.
…and sometimes, though rarely, they even wear suits.

A.S. Paul
@aspaul

Whenever I see a guy with a ponytail wearing a suit, I think, "This must be what it's like to see a jackalope."

Tue May 24 18:36:51 UTC+0000 2011
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A.S. Paul@aspaulFollow

Whenever I see a guy with a ponytail wearing a suit, I think, “This must be what it’s like to see a jackalope.”

2:36 PM – 24 May 11ReplyRetweetFavorite

15.
But beware, not everyone is “pro-pony.” Not everything about them is positive.

Kevin Haunts Stuff
@kevindividual

If you're a guy with a ponytail, just know that every one of your male friends has thought about cutting it off you at some point.

03:24 PM – 11 Sep 2014
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Kevin Haunts Stuff@kevindividualFollow

If you’re a guy with a ponytail, just know that every one of your male friends has thought about cutting it off you at some point.

11:24 AM – 11 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

16.
They loiter near Starbucks milk stations…

Molly McAleer
@molls

Dear Fat Guy With a Ponytail at Starbucks Shoving Splendas in His Pocket, I love you. Best, Molly

05:59 PM – 19 Dec 2013
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Molly McAleer@mollsFollow

Dear Fat Guy With a Ponytail at Starbucks Shoving Splendas in His Pocket, I love you. Best, Molly

12:59 PM – 19 Dec 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

17.
…and in rare cases, they hiss.

bim jub
@bub__bub

Some dude with a ponytail and a kilt just hissed at me #SXSW

Wed Mar 13 03:13:56 UTC+0000 2013
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bim jub@bub__bubFollow

Some dude with a ponytail and a kilt just hissed at me #SXSW

11:13 PM – 12 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

18.
It's actually well-documented how to make them cry.

Camden's finest
@anbrll00

The best ways to make a guy with a ponytail cry: 1) Pull his hair 2) Tell him The Beatles are overrated.

Mon Mar 24 17:31:42 UTC+0000 2014
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Camden’s finest@anbrll00Follow

The best ways to make a guy with a ponytail cry: 1) Pull his hair 2) Tell him The Beatles are overrated.

1:31 PM – 24 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

19.
So just be careful around them, OK? If you respect them, they will respect you.

Walker Nisi
@walkernisi

the bus just had to pull over because the guy with a ponytail and guitar actually just lit a joint

Fri Oct 18 00:45:55 UTC+0000 2013
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Walker Nisi@walkernisiFollow

the bus just had to pull over because the guy with a ponytail and guitar actually just lit a joint

8:45 PM – 17 Oct 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

20.
I digress. In the end, it all boils down to their cool.

Jack Matthew
@Simple_Jack43

This dude with a ponytail was single strappin it with his backpack before, can you say epitome of coolness?

Wed Oct 24 13:57:12 UTC+0000 2012
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Jack Matthew@Simple_Jack43Follow

This dude with a ponytail was single strappin it with his backpack before, can you say epitome of coolness?

9:57 AM – 24 Oct 12ReplyRetweetFavorite

21.
They are some of the most inventive people in the world. This man wrapped his pony in a studded leather sleeve.

Hayden Black
@HaydenBlack3

Leaving Walgreens, when I see this old guy with a ponytail, that has a leather case…

09:07 PM – 22 Mar 2013
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Hayden Black@HaydenBlack3Follow

Leaving Walgreens, when I see this old guy with a ponytail, that has a leather case…

5:07 PM – 22 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

22.
This man accessorized his pony with cat ears.

Dan York
@DanYorkRadio

This is a dude with a ponytail and kitty ears. Austin is weird.

11:43 PM – 16 May 2014
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Dan York@DanYorkRadioFollow

This is a dude with a ponytail and kitty ears. Austin is weird.

7:43 PM – 16 May 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

23.
And this guy still uses a Sidekick. How about that?

racheliscool
@rachelkleist

Do they still make Sidekicks™ anymore? Because this guy with a ponytail has one and I feel like it’s maybe 2004.

02:24 AM – 12 Aug 2013
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racheliscool@rachelkleistFollow

Do they still make Sidekicks

anymore? Because this guy with a ponytail has one and I feel like it

s maybe 2004.

10:24 PM – 11 Aug 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

24.
I mean, the OG man with a ponytail was Jesus, after all!

Jesus Christ
@Jesus_M_Christ

I'm the only dude with a ponytail you should listen to. No exceptions.

Wed Mar 26 20:30:17 UTC+0000 2014
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Jesus Christ@Jesus_M_ChristFollow

I’m the only dude with a ponytail you should listen to. No exceptions.

4:30 PM – 26 Mar 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

25.
So keep on shining bright, pony men.

Fortune Feimster
@fortunefunny

My day is always better after seeing a guy with a ponytail.

01:22 AM – 19 Mar 2013
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Fortune Feimster@fortunefunnyFollow

My day is always better after seeing a guy with a ponytail.

9:22 PM – 18 Mar 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

26.
You're an inspiration to us all.

Jared Freid
@jtrain56

I don't want to be a guy with a ponytail but I want to have the guy with a ponytail confidence.

11:06 PM – 26 Oct 2013
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Jared Freid@jtrain56Follow

I don’t want to be a guy with a ponytail but I want to have the guy with a ponytail confidence.

7:06 PM – 26 Oct 13ReplyRetweetFavorite

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